Flushing My Career Down The Toilet

Using the toilet at work can be tricky business. Our bodies are capable of so many vile sights, sounds and smells. One little slip up and you'll be the talk of the town. A lifetime of embarrassment is always just a red cabbage fart away.

In the men’s bathroom here at the office the lights automatically go out after 10 minutes of inactivity in an attempt to conserve energy. The motion sensor does not detect a person inside a stall, so apparently moving your bowels is considered “inactivity” to the cold, inhuman sensor. Due to my rather poor digestive system (and even poorer diet), I have, on several occasions, surpassed my allotted 10 minutes of light.

Herein lies the problem.

You see, I’ll be in the midst of completing my personal business when all of a sudden…*BOINK!*…The damn lights go out and I find myself sitting in complete darkness.

The mechanical sensor is attached to the bathroom’s ceiling and doesn’t recognize a hand reaching up and waving over the stall wall. A futile action such as this will not restore the lights. Through much trial and error I have come to the conclusion that the only way to get the lights back on is to carefully get up off the toilet, shimmy over to the stall door, open it and wave your full arm frantically.

My biggest fear was having someone enter the bathroom while this ridiculous ritual was taking place. They might come in and find me sitting in the darkness, suspecting that I am engaged in some weird act of lewdness within the stall. Or they could walk in and see me with my pants down around my ankles leaning out of the stall and waving my arms around like an air traffic controller.

It was the second of these two scenarios that just occurred moments ago. After my allotted 10 minutes, I inevitably found myself sitting in total darkness. I immediately got up, opened the stall door and waved my arm, just as I had done in the past.

Strangely, no amount of waving was doing the trick this time. The sensor continued to ignore my desperate pleas. Finally, I bent my knees and waved a little lower, which finally triggered the light. At that exact moment, the men's room door began to open.

It was the Assistant Superintendent.

Did he notice the lights coming back to life as he entered? I can’t see how he couldn’t have. Most surely he also noticed me quickly retracting my arm into the stall and stumbling my way back down onto the can.

What do you think is going through his mind at this moment? Does he think I like to flap my arms around in the bathroom with my pants down? Or is he also aware of the 10 minute time limit? Will he ever look me in the eye again? Is my career over? Have I shamed myself publicly for the last time? Only time will tell. Stay tuned…