The Office Holiday Party (or Mr. Anti-Social Strikes Again)

The office Christmas party is today, so I'm looking forward to 90 minutes of silent discomfort. Each year, I enter the board room, gather a plate of edibles from the buffet line (usually ziti and cold cuts), then take my seat as quickly as possible before I have a chance to embarrass myself.

Once seated, I marvel as no one sits on either side of me until all the other seats are taken and there are no alternatives left. Then I eat in silence, unable and unwilling to participate in small talk with my co-workers.

When I finish eating I wipe my mouth and then zone out, staring blankly at my plate and counting the minutes until this miserable ordeal is over.

We have a grab bag gift exchange, which is usually good fun. It's of the “Chinese Auction” variety so people can steal gifts from others. Everyone is always vying for that elusive bottle of wine. I used to participate, although I liked to bring a gift that nobody in my office would want or need. I think there should always be an "old maid" novelty item in the mix that people go out of their way to distance themselves from. So I would watch with amusement as my $5 “Essence of Slug” scented candle got passed around like a hot potato.

I no longer participate in the grab bag. A couple of years ago when it was my turn to go up and choose a gift I humiliated myself. The room is rather tight and in order to get up to the gift table I had to squeeze behind a row of office chairs (suck it in, you old bat!). I was pressed tight up against the wall for a moment, shimmying my way along before finally reaching the clearing. But little did I know that as I pressed my mid-section up against the wall I had inadvertently unbuckled my belt.

There I was, the center of attention, choosing a gift from the table, with a long leather phallus jutting out from my waist band. When I became aware of the situation I snatched the first gift I saw and scurried back to the table as quickly as possible. Once seated, I carefully re-buckled my belt, moving my hands under the table with a surgeon’s precision. I hoped and prayed that my co-workers hadn’t noticed what had just transpired. This is unlikely.

It was then that I vowed never to participate in the grab bag again. It's safer just to stay in my seat. There's less chance of unfortunate mishaps...like accidentally de-pantsing myself.