The Ten-Cent Chocolate Walrus

I was in Walmart buying groceries when I stumbled upon an aisle of clearance items leftover from Christmas. Being nearly four weeks after the holiday, the store was eager to part ways with these unwanted items, therefore they were being offered at a 90% discount.

In most cases, the items for sale were legitimate junk. There were some god-awful outdoor decorative items that would cheapen the appearance of any home, and ridiculous tree ornaments that had no business being sculpted in the first place. These things would most surely be tossed into a dumpster shortly, but for now they remained on the shelf, attempting to entice the misguided consumer with their rock-bottom clearance prices.

Pushing past the garbage, I reached an area of the aisle which featured some aging edibles; mostly candy canes in non-traditional holiday colors which nobody wanted. But then I spotted something resembling chocolate, so I brought my shopping cart to a screeching halt to investigate.

The box said "North Pole Pals" and showed friendly images of a penguin, walrus, and polar bear, all beckoning me to come away with them for some wintry fun. Inside the cellophane window was a small piece of chocolate, sculpted in the image of one of the friendly animals in the drawing. There were no polar bears or penguins on the shelf, but there were a couple walruses.

The chocolate was made by the Palmer Company, a name which is synonymous with the so-so tasting chocolate candies you received as gifts on Christmas, Easter, and Valentines Day growing up. It ain't Hershey, but it’s good enough. And at 90% off how could I say no?

"Let's be friends!"

I carried the chocolate walrus over to one of those price scanners that Walmart has conveniently placed around the store in order to help customers who can't find a price tag or have no basic arithmetic skills. I placed the bar code of the North Pole Pals chocolate under the laser and heard a loud beep.

".10" read the display.

A measly dime. Can you believe it? How can there still be starving children in the world when there are ten-cent chocolates to be had at Walmart? I added the walrus to my cart and continued on with my grocery shopping.

Days later at home I opened my cupboard and saw the chocolate walrus sitting there silently waiting to be eaten. Having been unable to consume anything of this nature since my dental surgery, I was eager to get my hands (and mouth) on something sweet. I grabbed the box and took it over to the kitchen counter.

I looked over the decorative packaging, admiring the artwork and glancing momentarily at the mildly distressing nutritional information. Then I carefully opened the box and shook the chocolate walrus out into my hand.

It was a very handsome looking piece of candy. I was in awe of the craftsmanship that must have gone into creating it. A shaped piece of milk chocolate for the body, a pair of darker chocolate dots for his eyes and nose, and a pair of white chocolate tusks. It was beautiful. And now I was going to eat it.

I felt a pang of guilt over my yearning to devour the beautiful candy. Maybe I should save the walrus and keep him around as a decorative item. I could place him on top of the television and feel a warm glow in my heart every time I looked in his direction. He was, after all, my North Pole Pal, and pals don't eat each other (at least not the last time I checked).

I set the candy down and turned to the sink to wash some melted chocolate from my hands.

"Hey buddy! Aren’t ya gonna eat me?"

The voice came from behind me. I turned quickly but saw no one.

"Down here! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

It was the walrus on the counter. The candy was motionless; its mouth did not move, yet the voice emanated from it just the same.

"What do you want?" I blurted out, suddenly fearing that some sort of demon had entered my humble home.

"I wantcha to eat me!" the walrus replied.

I took a step forward and looked down at the candy.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, silly goose, that's what I was made for!"

"But if I chew you up and eat you, I won't get to see you anymore. Isn't that a bad thing to do to my...'North Pole Pal'?"

"Hyuk hyuk...naw! When you eat me, I don't die! I get to live on inside you...forever! We'll be the best of buddies, you and me! But first you have to eat me!"

I picked the candy up off the counter and looked at it very carefully. The face showed no expression whatsoever, yet somehow by looking into its dark chocolate eyes I sensed the candy was telling the truth. Here was a walrus that was made specifically to be eaten. He was created to bring joy to the boys and girls with his tasty chocolate favor. It was his destiny, and I must not stand in his way.

I bit down into the candy, taking the walrus' head and half his chest into my mouth with one bite. Good old Palmer chocolate, with that same so-so flavor I remembered so well from my childhood. I finished the walrus on the second bite, letting the chocolate melt slowly in my mouth, savoring every moment it was there before chewing and swallowing it away.

And then it was gone. My North Pole Pal, the walrus, was gone forever and never to be seen again.

"Hello? Mr. Walrus?"

Nothing.

I had killed my special friend. I was quickly overcome with grief and loneliness. Then I heard a voice. Not with my ears, exactly; the voice seemed to come from within me.

“I’m still here buddy! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!”

Mr. Walrus was alive and well!

“You and me are gonna be pals forever,” he said. “And we’re gonna have so much fun! Now let’s get started! First, we’re gonna need to buy a gun…”